


Threat Analysis

by larry_evak



Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: BAMF Batman, Clint Barton has some suggestions, M/M, Pepper Potts is a goddess, Proof that Tony Stark has a heart, Some Crack, minor fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-05 23:47:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11024118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larry_evak/pseuds/larry_evak
Summary: Sun rises in the east and S.H.I.E.L.D. loves to spy and do all the secret agency-ey shit which apparently includes a personality analysis on various victims.Or this is the threat analysis of Bruce Wayne and Batman done by S.H.I.E.L.D.





	Threat Analysis

Sun rises in the east and S.H.I.E.L.D. loves to spy and do all the secret agency-ey shit which apparently includes a personality analysis on various victims. Now they have set their sights on Gotham. Well they have always had their sights on Gotham because dude! Super Spy Super Scary Agency. We have our sights set on everything, you measly, puny human! So uhhh… Yeah. They monitor everything. 

A couple of years back they did the analysis of Superman. The agent on the job was of course Agent Coulson. It was broken down by other agents as- must make an ally out of him. He is as big on truth, justice and American way as Cap. Just more muscle-y and alien. Captain America’s ass is still better though.

They tried to analyze the Bat too but damn that freak is sneaky. So no guy found= no report. Although the general feeling is do not piss off, do not engage and try to recruit if given the chance, though they will never get the said chance, even S.H.I.E.L.D. has the right to be hopeful once in a while. 

One can never forget the personality analysis of Tony Stark. Even Fury regrets letting Romanoff do that because it was totally unfair and Stark is still bitter and he has every right to be, not that they would ever admit. Natashalie completely underestimated Stark too. Fury knew it. Stark knew it. His super protective boyfriend Bruce Wayne knew it but let us just pretend he is a mindless airhead who doesn’t know much about anything. Stark is a force of nature. The guy basically obliterated a terrorist organization while trying to escape. 

This leads to the current situation. Since Tony Stark is such a wild card, everyone surrounding him had been analyzed. Pepper Potts had been praised, odes were written in her name. Her threat level was as high as Captain America and as explanation were written three words which were more than enough- Tony Stark Wrangler. 

Similarly now his boyfriend was to be analyzed. Bruce Wayne. 

The report came like this-

(Unedited version. Since edited was submitted to Coulson, lower agents got the unedited, completely unprofessional version.)

Fuck Coulson. Fuck him for giving me stupidest task ever. I swear that guy pisses in everyone’s coffee just for cracks. Anyways, the assignment, Wayne is a total ditzy bimbo. God knows what Stark sees in him. He knows nothing. Kudos to Fox for keeping Wayne Enterprises afloat. Guy is fit as fuck though. Maybe that is why Stark is with him. As for threat level, I’d say 0. Fucking zero but that would show lazy work. So imma say 2. Throw in his wealth as explanation. Guy is nuts, irresponsible, useless as fuck. That was the only thing observable in my month long analysis. Once again a giant fuck you to Coulson.

All and all everyone sympathized with the poor agent on the task and moved on. And had a laugh.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

 

This was a special week as the agent on the Batman job got to see him. A breakthrough in the seemingly impossible case. S.H.I.E.L.D.’s tendency to never give up finally paid off. Despite all the failures they never gave up on the task and finally Hawk got to meet the Bat.

The agents were in awe of Hawkeye. He was brilliant and one damn lucky fucker. Always got the coolest tasks. It was clear that they were envious. After all birdie was there when that Thunder Dude first came. Although they sympathized with him when he was first handed the Bat task but now they are over it. Coulson had to put him on the task as all of them failed and one agent even vowed to never take a step in Gotham because he had an encounter with Joker. 

Nobody argued because it was fucking Joker. The guy had all the right to fear. Anyways, the unedited report was like-

Fuck Coulson. Fuck him for handing me craziest task ever. That Bat dude is scary nuts. I had specifically told Coulson not to assign me freaks after Budapest. It had taken me three weeks to finally take a glimpse see him and two more to catch him in action. He fights like… damn. I’d love to see him against Winter Soldier. Maybe they should duke it out! Then they will have one less problem. Whoops. Sorry for getting off the track. I saw him taking down the Gotham thugs and after dealing with them he looked in my direction! What the fuck man! How? 

“Stop coming after me or I will make you stop. You wouldn’t want this to turn into Budapest.” What the actual fuck? “And tell your Director to stop sending his men. I won’t tolerate more. Stay away from Gotham.” He said in a gritty, gravelly and growly voice. It was scary how he knew about Budapest. What else does he know? I thought Coulson made sure that no one would find out about Budapest. His voice was scary. The buildings around them were abandoned, it made everything scarier. Dude even Budapest was much better. Somebody get him out. 

I’m just gonna sum it up and get this shit done with. Batman is to be put into the list of the guys not to mess with and if given the MUST recruit the guy. He is rich and has resources well which should be clear by his cool as hell car and all the gadgets, look on par with Stark. His fighting style is also fucking amazing. God knows how many fighting styles he knows. Dude seems home with the martial arts. Threat level- 8, if he is to be left alone because the guy might know all the dirty secrets of S.H.I.E.L.D. and is rich as hell and bump the treat level to 10 if we are to go against him. You know what, make it 11. He knows a lot of superheroes. Might even get Stark with him. After all technology is Stark’s porn and guy has that too. Also muscles. Consider Stark his.

P.S.- Tell Bat dude to invest in some voice modulator otherwise he is gonna do some serious damage to his vocal chords. 

P.S.S.- What is it with these people and animals? Batman, Spider-Man, Antman? Oops. Hypocricy.

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________

 

When Tony read the reports, well, this made his fucking week. He immediately sent these to Bruce. They were so wrong and yet so right. Batman didn’t need to entice Tony. Tony was already his. Had always been. The Arc Reactor wasn’t the proof that Tony Stark had a heart. Bruce Wayne was.


End file.
